painful memories/

Wow. its been 1 week, 4 days, 13 hours, and 42 minutes since we last talked. i thought it wouldnt get to me. but after going through my bag earlier i found some stuff. some letters you wrote me. the poem about our hearts beating as one, and the songs you sang for me on my old phone. and its really getting to me. How could i be so stupid? How could i do that to you. Your poem said it all. I promised you so much. I took care of you so well. I did everything in my power to keep you from being scared of being with me and taking the chances with me that you did. Yet i messed all that up. i feel like hell bc of it. I told you i will always love you. And i meant it. Even though we aren't together anymore, and even though you want nothing to do with me, everything i think about goes back to you. Your smile. Your golden eyes, your laugh, but most importantly how much fun you had. Now i messed it up. Even though im talking to someone else. She cant take the place in my heart that you took. That i gave to you. And now with her im messing up to. Maybe you was right. Maybe im not made for relationships. Maybe im ment to be alone for the rest of my life. I dont know. All i know is part of me still loves you. still cares about you. I miss laying with you at night. I miss going to all those movies with you. I miss how random you was. I miss your calls at 4 in the morning to tell me something important only to find out that you forgot right when i picked up the phone. I miss how you would laugh when i pointed at you. I miss how you would make everything go away. All my fears, all my worries, all my doubt. Nobody has ever made me feel so loved. yet i messed that up. and im really sorry. I shouldnt have hurt you like that. if i could take it all back and spend the rest of my life with you i would. Things was starting to get better with us. Your parents and i started to get along. You and i stopped fighting, we started to actually think and plan rationally about our future. Like everything actually started to make sense and feel right. You deserve an explanation. I only broke up with you because i was scared to death. Not because of taylor. Not bc of you. But because nobody has ever gotten that close to me. And it scared the shit out of me. I didnt know what else to do. SO i did the one thing i always told you not to do. i panicked. and im really sorry,Like you have no idea. i have tried to drown my pain in drugs and alcohol, but it only makes things worse, everything is more vivid and real when im in that state. I wish you the best. you always will be my sweetheart. I will never forget you. you was my first and honest true love. And nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can take your place in my life. you taught me so much. and i love you all the more for it. Im really sorry