Random

Idk. im jsut kinda confused and out there.So im jsut going to sit here and type to my hearts content. I have two girls i care about. One that i love beyond imagination. Two that is like a sister. Adn a gay person for a brother (also my roomate kinda scary i know) and another guy who is like my brother (bc he is motherfuc**ing dan haha). Supposedly i have alot of people that care about me. But i beg to differ at times. I am nobody special. I ahve been to jail. I have hurt people. I have lied and stolen. I have (and prob will again) be homeless, i dont have a job, i have a short temper when it comes to people i care about, i hate guys, but i love all women (bc im more of an emotional guy and i liek to talk and hang out with women because they inderstand more without making judgements). Not to mention i am a guy, what guy doesnt like to chill with sexy women. But im nobody special. So why do people say they care about me. There is alot of people in my life that has helped me, and i have one person now (i wont say her name because i dont want people to start making assumptions but i will say i play KOC with her on facebook.) and i have no clue why. I am better off on my own, with nobody around me, nobody who can be effected by my stupid mistakes and cant be bothered by my insecurities and stupididty and just me in general. so why does all these people say they care??? what is so special about me? If you are reading this please tell me. and not on a relationship level either. iknow that already and i will always dissagree. i know of at least 30 people reading this on a daily basis bc i chill with all of you (and go figure you are all women lmao) so just tell me. you all have my number so text. or comment. but i want to know what is so good about me that you all actually give a sh*t about me. i am nobody special.
Now for 7 of you that are reading this. stop trying to have sex. i am only having sex with one person and that will never happen again because she isnt mine anymore. stop trying to date me because i am already married at heart. my heart belongs to one woman already and it always will. im sorry i love all you to death and i always will. but i wont love you on a relationship level. so get over it. im sorry. you will never have my heart. you can never mean as much to me or do as much for me as my old girlfriend did for me. its the truth so gete over it.

okay im done now. time to watch the boondock saints.

whitetiger

Relationships

So my new roomate went to work so im sitting here bored out of my mind. So i might as well do my section on relationships like i said i would. Relationships. Hmmm where do i begin. Relationships are hard, trust me. If you feel like your the only person working on the relationship to make it work then you dont appreciate your partner enough. Otherwise you would see that maybe they are putting in more effort than you. Now this may not always be the case so dont take me word for word. Sometimes a little break is best. Sometimes you jsut need some time alone to get back to where you belong mentally. You have to appreciate your partner and what they can do. The two of you have to know each others strengths and weaknesses. And work together. If you dont then yes, there will be complications.
In case you dont believe what im saying let me explain to you my most recent relationship with the love of my life and show you where im coming from. I met this girl when i was homeless. She helped me through everything. And finally got me out of the woods and into a house. Not to long after i finally got a job and was on the way to getting out on my own and maybe supporting her the way she deserves. But like alot of relationships there was some issues. I wont go into detail on the issues because they aren't important. Not to you guys anyways. But her and i started to argue alot, everyday almost. And things started to get worse. I didnt appreciate the things she did for me or how much she tried or how much she really loved me, not as much as i should have anyways. Finally thigns got to rough, to the point to where i questioned our own relationship. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was not trusting her, I let this girl into my heart more than i have ever let anyone, and she did the same for me, yet i didnt trust her enough. I got scared, bc i let alot of people in and they always did me wrong, but she was different, she wouldnt do that to me, and deep down i knew that. But i got scared like most people do who have been hurt, but i didnt tell her. I didnt talk to her about it, if I would have things would have been different. I know they would have. Finally it became to much for me to handle. I tried to talk myself out of it so many times. One day it worked a little. So I started to make plans on how i was going to get my life in a place where i could give her everything she deserved, and this girl deserves the world. I finally came to the realization that maybe a small break would help and give me more time to get things together without having to be slowed down with the temptation to give her everything immediately. (if that made any sense, i knwo she understands it she always understood me) My second huge mistake was not explaining that to her before breaking it off. Otherwise things wouldnt be as bad as they are. My third and final mistake was going off on her. I was torn apart by the accusations that i started doing drugs and drinking and smoking and doing everything i knew to make the pan go away. See she thought i cheated on her, she thought i left her for someone else, she thought i stopped caring and doubted if i ever cared in the first place. It tore me apart so i went off. Said some things that i shouldnt have said. And made everything wose. I have finally got to talk to her and explain everything and maybe one day her and i can get back together but it wont be for a long time. That is if she can ever forgive me, which at this point in time is doubtful and not possible. I hurt her to much.
So take care of your partner, explain your intentions before explaining your decisions. Take care of them, make them happy, because in making your partner happy makes you happy, whether you want to admit it or not. And if you dont think it does make you happy, wait till you loose your significant other, you will see exactly what i mean. Relationships are supposed to be fun, relaxing, enjoyable. Its supposed to be the thing in your life that is like your escape, your "happy place" sort to speak. They are not supposed to be full of anger and regret and hatred, and fear. If you have this in your relationship then you need to talk to your spouse as soon as possible before this gets out of hand and you start to regret not taking this advice sooner. Trust me.

Whitetiger90

Life and happiness

Whats the point? WE live our entire lives working day and night to get what we want. To be where we want to be. To accomplish our dreams. but for what? once we die what did we accomplish? What do we get? Nothing. Can we take any of that with us? No. It goes to someone who didnt work for it. Someone who probably doesnt deserve it. so basically we are working our butts off to help someone else. So whats the point of life? Whats the meaning of it? What are we supposed to do with it? I believe personnally that i have figured it out. The meaning of life, the reason we are on this earth, it all comes down to one thing. Love. nobody remembers you for what you did. Nobody really cares what you did in your life. nobody really cares who you was as a person. Everyone forgets it. We are to find someone we love. Make them happy. And do all we can for them. It doesnt matter who it is, whether it is your God or your spouse. Or even a friend. You dont live life for yourself. You live life for someone else. If you have experienced love before then stop for a second and think about it. Have you ever been more happy than those times you laid in that persons arms, or what about the times you two just sat in total silence? You spend your whole life trying to make money and go places, and yeah that may make you happy at the time. but do you honestly remember that forever? 50 years from now what are you going to remember the best, those times you spent with the person you loved. So look at it. What really matters in life? finding and spending life with that special someone. Making them happy, doing all you can to help them. I lost that. I ruined that chance. and trust me it kills me. Not a day goes by that i dont think of her. Im not as happy anymore, because all i can think about was the times her and i shared. So if your reading this and your in love with someone, have them read it and talk about it. If someone would have told me all this maybe things would have been different. I didnt believe the old saying "you never know what you have until its gone". I thought it was just some stupid wise saying that poeple like to say to make themselves seem smart. But let me tell you this, that statement has never been more true for me. And it will be true to you to if you dont heed this warning. Whatever arguements you and your loved one gets in they can be worked out. All you have to do is sit down and talk to them and be open and honest. Dont hide things and dont hold anything back.Dont try to hurt them just because your angry or upset. its not worth the pain you will experience when you loose them. Relationships are supposed to be fun, relaxing. I will talk more about relationships later. Until then, talk to your loved one, work out any and all problems, make them happy, spend a little time jsut holding each other in silence, you will be suprised hwo much good those times will make. dont make my mistake. Dont loose the only person who will love you for who you are. Dont loose the happiness that you can give that person and that that person can give you. Dont spend the rest of your life regretting the fact that YOU messed up with that person. Thats what i feel now and let me tell you...it sucks. Spend some time with your loved one tonight and watch what happens. You might be amazed.

Whitetiger90

painful memories/

Wow. its been 1 week, 4 days, 13 hours, and 42 minutes since we last talked. i thought it wouldnt get to me. but after going through my bag earlier i found some stuff. some letters you wrote me. the poem about our hearts beating as one, and the songs you sang for me on my old phone. and its really getting to me. How could i be so stupid? How could i do that to you. Your poem said it all. I promised you so much. I took care of you so well. I did everything in my power to keep you from being scared of being with me and taking the chances with me that you did. Yet i messed all that up. i feel like hell bc of it. I told you i will always love you. And i meant it. Even though we aren't together anymore, and even though you want nothing to do with me, everything i think about goes back to you. Your smile. Your golden eyes, your laugh, but most importantly how much fun you had. Now i messed it up. Even though im talking to someone else. She cant take the place in my heart that you took. That i gave to you. And now with her im messing up to. Maybe you was right. Maybe im not made for relationships. Maybe im ment to be alone for the rest of my life. I dont know. All i know is part of me still loves you. still cares about you. I miss laying with you at night. I miss going to all those movies with you. I miss how random you was. I miss your calls at 4 in the morning to tell me something important only to find out that you forgot right when i picked up the phone. I miss how you would laugh when i pointed at you. I miss how you would make everything go away. All my fears, all my worries, all my doubt. Nobody has ever made me feel so loved. yet i messed that up. and im really sorry. I shouldnt have hurt you like that. if i could take it all back and spend the rest of my life with you i would. Things was starting to get better with us. Your parents and i started to get along. You and i stopped fighting, we started to actually think and plan rationally about our future. Like everything actually started to make sense and feel right. You deserve an explanation. I only broke up with you because i was scared to death. Not because of taylor. Not bc of you. But because nobody has ever gotten that close to me. And it scared the shit out of me. I didnt know what else to do. SO i did the one thing i always told you not to do. i panicked. and im really sorry,Like you have no idea. i have tried to drown my pain in drugs and alcohol, but it only makes things worse, everything is more vivid and real when im in that state. I wish you the best. you always will be my sweetheart. I will never forget you. you was my first and honest true love. And nobody can take that away from me. Nobody can take your place in my life. you taught me so much. and i love you all the more for it. Im really sorry